I released music for the first time ever!
Did you know that I’ve actually been a musician longer than I have been a filmmaker? It was my first passion, my first love. I’ve been a musician for over a decade now. That part of me has never left, but it has taken a back seat to other things over the years. I think when you’ve done music for as long as I have and have been surrounded by musicians for the entirety of your life, it can be easy for it to just feel like just another thing. Being part of bands that tour, doing gigs, all of those can be fun, but can sometimes slide into becoming a thing that you just do for the sake of doing it. And it wasn’t until I ventured into songwriting seriously and considering releasing music seriously that music became alive to me again.
My family and I had recently walked through a particularly tough season, and out of that I ended up writing ‘Wherever I’m At’ which is my first single. It’s a song about navigating life while in the valley, while holding onto hope for a better tomorrow in the process. The entire project, start to finish, has meant a lot to me as a believer and as an artist, and I hope it encourages you too wherever you are in your journey. I write faith-filled music that feels like the soundtrack to your favourite coming-of-age movie, and I hope you consider giving me a listen.
“on the mountaintop or the valley low, you are with me there; you won’t let me go.”
‘Wherever I’m At’ is finally here, and I am so filled with gratitude as I reflect on this wild ride. What started as just a song ended up becoming so much more to me spiritually, emotionally, and creatively. This multidisciplinary project became an authentic reflection of every part of who I am and who I was designed to be meshed onto one beautiful canvas.
This journey started about a year ago when our family received some devastating news last summer. All while I was sensing in my spirit what was going to be one of the biggest shifts of my life. A scripture I’d held tightly to was Psalm 23, and through much prayer, inquiry, and consideration, I felt the Lord release me into this wild artistic endeavour.
I wrote this song a few weeks after getting an incredibly emotional phone call from my sister: “Mom’s got cancer. Again.” After sharing the news with my church family, that Psalm consistently was a word for me and my family in that season. As people continued to pray for us, this melody came to me: “even through I walk through the valley of death…” This then launched me into a brand new creative space, because it had been something I had asked the Lord about for so long and felt frustrated because I had what seemed to be the most intense writer’s block for years and years. After years of working at churches and feeling frustrated that I had served in various youth worship/worship pastoring roles and not being able to write songs out of those places was one of the most maddening experiences. How could I be a music pastor if I can’t even write songs?
Turns out I needed a valley experience to learn how to let my song arise out of the dark places. A good friend of mine gave me a word while I was in this season and this is what he prayed over me:
“Sing your Psalm.”
I felt the Lord not only release me into this, but blessed me into it as well. To do the music thing.
I think what’s funny about what we pray for is that sometimes we don’t truly understand the weight of what we ask for until we finally get it. I didn’t realize that making music was just as uncomfortable as anything else. Sharing your songs, your heart to others. It’s an incredibly vulnerable thing. Then there’s the creative process, which I found to be more enjoyable. Then there’s the business aspect of it. Networking and developing professional relationships. Maintaining professional working relationships. There was a moment in this process where we hit a fork in the road and I almost wasn’t going to release this single at all. But then I was reminded that the Lord had graced me in that season specifically to do the music thing. And I felt like I needed to hold up my end of the bargain, especially for it being something I had inquired of the Lord for years. Why give up now?
After another friend of mine had reached out offering his services to help finish the song, I finally felt the excitement come back. Like, ‘okay, we’re finally doing this.’ It finally felt real.
This song represents what this last season of life has been for me: a season of walking through the valley of intense trial— with what was happening in our family, and what I was going through personally. This last year was probably one of the worst years of my life. I’d experienced some of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. Sometimes on the way to work. Sometimes at work. Sometimes in the middle of a meeting in front of my coworkers. I was burnt out. Horribly. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. How could a job that I loved so dearly be killing me from the inside? I was exhausted. Angry. Frustrated. For the first time in my life, I felt the furthest away from God, not because I didn’t know Him, but because I did and He felt nowhere to be found. I was in a valley that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of.
But there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. And with every night comes morning. I learned how to draw near to the Father because He was all that I had left. I had no other option. And from that place, I learned how to make Him my first choice. Like the song reminds us, even though we walk through the valley, we don’t have to fear because God is guiding every single one of our steps. Wherever we’re at.
I wouldn’t be here if not for my closest friends, family, and mentors encouraging me, supporting me in this new endeavour, and reminding me again and again that I am loved. Life is'n’t easy, nor was it ever meant to be, but I have an even greater hope in Jesus and who He is as a King, a shepherd, as a friend, and most importantly, as a Father. I know that He will never leave me. I have a heart song in the form of this project, and I hope it blesses you the way it’s blessed me.